I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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