4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
