Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
