My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
