If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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