I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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