haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
