My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
