If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
