I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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