did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I believe in your delicious
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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