your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
