Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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