he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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