God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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