He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize