And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
