Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
