Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
