I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We had to coat check the pizza.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
