I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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