you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
