in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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