If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
