Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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