I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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