the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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