I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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