$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
