i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
