My liver just broke up with me...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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