Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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