Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
