DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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