Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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