shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize