You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
