weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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