He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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