Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
