standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
