I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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