it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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