i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
