can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
