why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
