Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
