I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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