just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
