i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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