Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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