stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
