new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
