Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
