And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
