he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
