actually, I'm a sock model
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
