I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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