help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
