Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
