Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize