her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize